One Long Thought

Like a ghost, I have wandered the hallowed halls of my youth
for years upon years since its passing.
I have pondered the meaning of figures dancing in flames,
casting stones and
divining visions of winged travelers making a pilgrimage to a crimson door.

In time I will cast away my stones, cool the fire
and with both angels and demons mourn the time that is no more.
I will weep for a life I imagined to be lost forever
behind the soaring events of my youth.

Somewhere in the tangled, cobweb-mess of memory
stands a little boy who did not move through the world as most little boys do
he was watched over by a world that gave love,
jealousy and maliciousness in equal doses.
He listened to every word spat out and cried each time he was cursed
and slowly he changed, changed so that he would not hurt so deep
the next time faced with words that were created to cut, to break,
to cause a soul-ache no balm could ease.

He changed, but by hardening that young heart, he kept it in tact
and grew another one around it.  One that knew a few things about
disappointment, dishonesty and the lingering promise of hope.
 
I have carried that little boy with me all of my life.
I tried to drown him in alcohol and
numb his pain with opium in my early twenties.
When neither of those would do the trick, I tried every chemical made by man
to induce euphoria, hoping I would reach the day
when I could place two coins over his eyes and send him on to Charon.
That day did not come, though I often forgot about him
and myself while under the affliction of all those pleasant distractions.
I sought to avert my eyes from his, hoping to avoid his gaze,
avoid his truth.
 
In this, STOP...Deep Breath and: Realization!!!

This is the season for bringing that little boy into the light,
time to describe his torture, give it a name
and forgive all those involved.
It is time to bring the past out into the open air, say my piece
and let it go.

This burden is too heavy for any one man to endure,
my wings haven't the strength to fly with so much weight bearing down on them.
It is time to set that little boy free
      time to forgive the man for hiding him away
      time to be honest with myself and to stop lying to my reflection  
and ,in the end,to be free to move on with my life.

Despite my earlier predictions and confidences
concerning certain spiritual incarnations,
I keep turning up year after year.
My life could, indeed, be a long way from over.
 
I have tried to avoid struggle, to avoid responsibility.
I have spoken poetically of honor, sacrifice and love that knows no bounds.
I have written of Agape, Eros and Comitatus;
words spoken before Jesus ever walked hand in hand with Magdalene.
And, though these ideas are wonderful and pure and perfect in and of themselves.
The hand that, in a fever, scrawled half legible epitaphs to Beowulf
in the shower of his Freshman dorm forgot to love anything himself.
Especially himself and that was the undoing of it all.
A man cannot fight for his country if he can not first stand up and fight for himself,
how was I supposed to bring 1000 year old ideas of love and brotherhood and fealty
back to this world when I could not muster the strength to get out of bed.
 
 
It is time for blood and sacrifice, it is time to fight.
To wage war, face my younger self and be renewed.
It is time to breathe deep and forgive.
It is time to understand and set to the side those things
which hold no intrinsic value
but exist only to deceive, to cripple and to distract.
It is time to take those words and don them as if they were armor and helm,
to wear them as sword and shield, and ride out to face the present day
with faith, humility, honesty, patience and courage.
 
It is time to take the idealism of youth, reforge it with hard earned wisdom
and temper it under the watchful eyes of an all knowing love.
 
It is time to stay clean, to be sober so the soul can breath.
It is time to be honest, to tell the truth no matter the circumstance.
It is time to give love, to present it as something shared; both offered and received.
It is time to forgive, to forgive the past and let it rest, from this day to the last.
 
In the name of all life which is most precious,
It is time to live.